Dear ED, Goodbye and Thank You
Dear ED,
I am thankful that today I am able to write about your death rather than mine. I am glad that I am here to tell people about the abusive relationship we had rather than my parents telling my friends and family that you won. Today, I will write your goodbye letter, not mine.
Our relationship began when I was in middle school. Your voice crept inside my head little by little as I compared my body to other girls around me. At first, you were harmless. I even watched a documentary on eating disorders in health class and thought, how could someone do that to themselves? Well your little voice grew in tandem with my perfectionism. I wanted to be the best at everything, starting with my body. If I had the perfect body, no one could say hurtful things to me or make me feel less than. You told me I needed to lose weight to receive love and attention.
I became a slave to the treadmill and obsessed with counting calories. I couldn’t go to sleep at night unless the scale said what you wanted it to. I couldn’t focus, be present with family or friends, or get out of my head until every box was checked.
Relationships were strained and broken because of you. You took so many precious memories away from me. No matter what I did, you were never happy. Six years and quick stints in outpatient treatment centers went by, but nothing seemed to click. You had fully taken control of my life.
It wasn’t until my third year of college that I hit rock bottom. The distress you put on my body and mind built up until I could no longer do basic physical activities to survive. I told my therapist I needed to go to full time treatment and take time off from school because I couldn’t live this way anymore. The 12 months I spent in intensive treatment was unlike any experience I’ve ever had. Every single day I was facing my biggest fears and insecurities. I slowly began to realize that the physical, mental, and emotional pain I felt in treatment was better than living every day with you in my head. I had to hit rock bottom before I could find my light again. The light inside of me that you turned off.
When I finally finished a full year of intensive treatment, I thought that was it. I had taken off from school and put my time in, so I was home free. But I knew deep down that you were still there and had control over me. You took over and once again I ended up in the same position I was in the year before. The same position that I had worked so hard to never be in again. I had to make a choice: quit my job and go back into full time treatment or do what I was always scared to do - fully fight back. I chose the latter.
It was not easy, re-living the mental, physical, and emotional hell I had a year before. But I finally cut ties with you. I learned that I could survive a day without you telling me what to do. I learned that if I let go of you, I wouldn’t become overweight, unlovable or unworthy. I learned to pursue dreams that seemed impossible before, like training to become a yoga teacher, hopefully to one day show others the power of yoga in recovery. I learned to love myself.
I am extremely blessed to say that I pulled myself out of a vicious, life-threatening eating disorder. Not everyone can say that and I sure as hell wasn’t always sure I would be able to. I hope to use what I’ve learned on my journey to help others find inner peace, body acceptance, and self-compassion.
Goodbye and thank you ED. You destroyed me, and I discovered my best self.
Allison
Allison Mann is a 2018 graduate of Drexel University's LeBow College of Business. She currently works at Comcast and is training to get her 200-hour Yoga Teacher Training Certification. Her hope is to use her certification to help others heal with the power of yoga. A Philly native, Allison loves cheering on all Philadelphia sports teams, exploring new cities, hiking, and spending time with loved ones.