The Struggle to Feel Deserving
By Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, C-IAYT, Founder
On a dark January evening many years back, when my daughters were still little, I finally made it to the grocery store after a long day at work. I stuffed my keys into my purse and walked as fast as I could across the parking lot. The kids needed to eat, and keeping my meals on schedule was still very necessary in my recovery life. I just wanted to get in the store, get out as fast as possible, eat dinner, and relax for what little time left in the day I would have by that time.
I reached into the pocket of my red winter coat for the grocery list, but instead pulled out a yellow sticky note that I’d completely forgotten about. I slowed down and ran my fingers over the curled corners of the paper. Small specks of red fuzz from my coat collected on the sticky part. On the front I read three words: yoga, write, read.
Throughout various times in my life these activities sustained the core of me, making me feel more resilient throughout the day while also providing space for self-expression, calm, and a way to check in with myself. Even though these were my daily go-to practices, when life got overwhelming, they often fell to the wayside, until I remembered once again how life-sustaining they are for me.
I cannot tell you how that sticky note made it from the journal I had stuck it in for safekeeping to my coat pocket. Nonetheless, I’m so glad it did. I needed a reminder to slow down and make space for myself. Now I just had to believe I was deserving of taking the time to do these activities.
Initially, adding this time for me in between the activities of our young family proved to be a rocky transition. For a good year, I battled feelings of guilt for asking my husband to make dinner while I took a yoga class. I felt wrong for being upstairs at my desk, writing or reading, while my kids played in the backyard. A tape played in my mind on repeat that asked, Are you sure you deserve this?
But the more regularly I allowed myself to take up space, the more evidence I gained that everyone in my home was just fine without me for an hour here and there. Most importantly, specific hungers within me were being satisfied: the hunger to feel like an individual with passions to call her own; the will to coexist with my societal roles of mother, wife, and professional; and the desire to witness myself staying true to my recovery.
Perhaps there are reminders in your life, like my yellow sticky note, that encourage you to clear out a little window of time for yourself. Let’s not push these reminders away. You, too, are deserving of the pastimes, adventures, and hobbies that help you love yourself and others better.
When I went from putting everyone else first to doing at least one small thing for myself every day that both confirmed my recovery and gave me space in my life, I was able to feel more grounded and present with myself and others. Why? Because an embodied, fulfilling life isn’t limited to a yoga mat or that rare weekend when the grandparents come babysit. I had to do the work to be more present, removing myself from the flurry of constant activity and noise of living in the mind to experience a more expansive life simply by slowing down and remember I am deserving of time and space.
Practice: Check in With Yourself
What is something that you know deep down will bring you ease today? Choose three to five activities.
How can you show yourself some love? Write down anything that comes up, from taking a bath to turning off the ringer on your phone. You can also think of small things that help you slow down, like leaving a few minutes early to avoid rushing or to allow for a scenic detour. Can you help yourself do what you said you would, like in my “yoga, write, read” example? For example, you could share your intentions with a supportive friend or family member for accountability.
If you struggle to feel deserving to take up space in your life, I invite you to check out a few opportunities that may feel comforting and helpful.
Consider incorporating Yoga Therapy into your recovery journey, where we can work together to help create a daily routine that helps you have space to get more of what you need in your life as well as create yoga-inspired practices that support your recovery.
Join me on Wednesdays from 2pm to 2:30 pm EST for the free Connection Call on Zoom for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.
Head over to the Yoga for Eating Disorders Community Facebook Group for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.
Remember, you deserve to make and take space for yourself in recovery and life. 💗