Unlearning Shame, Embracing Self-Compassion
By Jenn J. (she/they), Guest Contributor
Coping with shame is a deep, ongoing process, especially when it is tied to eating, body image, or past experiences. Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, so breaking that cycle often involves self-compassion, connection, and gentle unlearning. Here are some approaches that have helped me and others.
Name It & Externalize It
Shame can feel like it is us, but it is something we have learned. Naming it and saying, "This is shame, not truth," can help create distance from it. Sometimes, I ask myself: Whose voice is this? Where did I first learn to feel this way? Recognizing that shame often comes from external systems like diet culture, fatphobia, ableism, and trauma makes it easier to challenge.
Self-Compassion Instead of Self-Punishment
Shame often tells us we need to fix ourselves to be worthy. Instead of spiraling into self-criticism, I try asking:
What would I say to a friend feeling this way?
How can I be kind to myself in this moment?
Even small acts of care like resting, eating without judgment, or wearing something comfortable can counteract shame's messages.
Bring It Into the Light
Shame wants us to stay silent, but sharing with people who truly get it, whether friends, peers, or a support group, helps release its power. When someone responds with understanding instead of judgment, it reminds me that I am not alone and my worth is not tied to my struggles.
Question the Narrative
I ask myself: What does shame want me to believe about myself? Then, I try to reframe it
Instead of "I failed because I ate too much," I remind myself, "My body deserves nourishment, no matter what."
Instead of "I should be over this by now," I shift to "Healing is not linear, and I am doing the best I can."
Move Through It (Literally & Emotionally)
Since shame can feel heavy in my body, movement helps, whether it is stretching, shaking it out, or lying under a comfy blanket and breathing. Expressing emotions through journaling, art, or even crying also helps me process instead of holding it in.
Remember That Worthiness Is Unconditional
No matter what my eating looks like, what my body does or does not do, or how much I struggle, I am still worthy of care, respect, and kindness. Full stop. Shame tells us otherwise, but it is a liar.
How do you tend to yourself when shame shows up?
(Note: This post originally appeared on The Body Grief Coach blog and has been granted permission to be reposted here.)
Jenn J. (she/they) is a queer, disabled psychiatric survivor committed to noncarceral, liberatory care. Their work is deeply informed by lived experience with trauma, madness, disability, chronic illness, and chronic pain. As a Grief Coach, Death Midwife, Disability Doula, Eating Disorder Recovery Coach, and Accessible Yoga Teacher, they offer compassionate, noncoercive support rooted in mad liberation, harm reduction, and disability justice.
Jenn’s work centers grief in all its forms. The losses that come with living in a marginalized body. The grief of navigating chronic illness and pain. The impact of trauma, eating disorders, and substance use. They believe grief is not something to be fixed but to be witnessed and honored. Through trauma-informed accessible yoga, breathwork, and meditation, they help people tend to their grief and reconnect with their bodies in ways that feel supportive and grounded.
Through workshops, support groups, and one-on-one work, Jenn creates spaces where people can explore grief on their own terms, free from harmful systems and expectations. Their approach is rooted in mutual care, sacred witnessing, and the understanding that healing is nonlinear, personal, and always worthy of compassion. Learn more about Jenn’s offerings: The Body Grief Coach.